"do i look like i dont care about you?" he sounded annoyed and exhausted with his driving wheels on his hands.
"No.." i answered softly and trying hard to avoid my tears tumbling down.
"If there is anything, you better have tell it now, i am buggered." He said "I am tired of going home answering your text messages."
I am a bad talker. i found it very difficult to voice things out, i rather write it out. that's our problem. he always prefer i voice it out and he can answer me with our mother tongue, but he never know everytime when i start voicing it out, he will misunderstood me.
I was silent and all i wanted is to get home as soon as possible but the traffic was terrible.
____________________________________
it was a saddening morning. my room was cold and dark, as if i was inside a huge chiller. i opened up my eyes and i started to cry with or without a reason.
i was under depression, my family was giving me pressure and my father nearly had an affair with someone he shouldnt even thought of. the image of a role model has changed. i feel uneasy, disgusted everytime i look at him. my mother was facing a serious financial problem that i cant even help.
after a little moment of crying, i got my self back together. i grab my cellphone that was right beside me and i saw a text message from him. it was just a very normal text message telling me good morning, that he is leaving to some other state for his job and will be back by night. we exchanged text msg and made cried even more. i eventually fall asleep till late noon after half an hour of crying.
i finally woke up and started to express my feeling to my best friend and i noticed how nice to pour everything out at once. getting console from her is one of the best damn thing, she just know what to do to makes me feel better.
i told her i decided to set him free from me, i am not the happy girl he met at first and i might not able to be as happy again. besides i am leaving my home country for my education. long distance relationship hardly success, although i have really great examples of LDR around me but i know it might not work on me, a relationship that was still so young and immature. we have been together for not even 6 months, and i have lost counts on our arguments, what will happen when LDR occurs? i cant imagine.
i told myself, i will talk to him when the next time i meet him.
i turned on my messenger and he send me a message. i simply replied him just to keep him entertained. unfortunately he noticed it. i got a lame reason lying to him that i was on the phone. and i told him what happened hours ago, that i cant get to the travel agent that sell me the air tickets. he told me he felt that i having problems and im not willing to share, i wasnt happy as before. he told me he is afraid that im going to leave him. i felt very bad, he shouldnt be trapped with someone like me. im under depression but why must he suffers like me? this has made me feel like letting him go is totally the right thing to do. i cant be so selfish keeping him with me, an unhappy girl.
he called me, i used a tiny pillow besides me to cover my phone, i didnt want to answer. i acted like nth happened, i send him a msg thur msn asking him is he thr, why aint he answering my msgs. after awhile he get bk to me told me he went for a smoke and tried to call me. again i lied i told him
"my phone was charging in my room"
"Is ok." he answered
"Are you having over time tonight?"
"Yes."
i turn off my laptop and went to my room. i counldnt cry anymore, perhaps my tears have all dried up. i fall asleep again.
_______________________________
i woke up by a text message he sent me thur my phone asking me for a movie tonight. i thought it might be a chance and i really dying to watch the movie too. i accepted the invitation.
i delayed a little as usual even knowing that he was waiting outside of my house. i was asking my sister about direction of getting to the new shopping mall that we will b going later without noticing that he havent had his dinner yet and it's already 9pm.
i showed the wrong direction, i wanted to call my sister but he told me is not a need, we can go somewhr else. i put my cell back into my handbag. i feel how useless am i, i cant even act well in the last date i wanted to cry again but i didnt. and i told myself, is ok, this is the last time of being useless.
i dont know how we ended up in the place we wanna go. he told me we should try our luck see if we could get any tickets. i told better if we go dinner. i was full but i know he was starving and empty. he told me is ok, he can always grab in some cinema's food like hotdogs and etc. when we reached thr, i offered to get the tickets so he got 10 minutes to get his food. i got my tickets and i him with his bloody heavy laptop on his back lining up in subway.
i asked myself, what else should i ask more from him? he was trying his very best to satisfied me. why cant i just be satisfied? he woke up at 7am for work travel from states to states, and had over time in his office yet he still travel all the way to my places from his office just to make me happy. there is a 30 minutes distance from his office to my place. and we went to the wrong road but he didnt not complain at all. i used to think he doesnt even love me, if he does he is just using the wrong way and it's not my way. how could i say something as selfish as this? i didnt satisfied on anything, i was always selfish. all i know was to complain. telling myself how unkind was god to do something like that to me. i shouldnt have told him i like him first now he is not appreciating me because im so easy. but i was wrong. i took everything for granted because he spoilt me and i was used to it by being the youngest in the family so i thought nothing was wrong.
on the way home we were silent. i didnt want to talk, im afraid that i will asked the wrong question again, i afraid i will give him the wrong reaction again. he asked me why am i so sad but he didnt know i was warmed by him just i was really afraid of making mistake and upset him again. he hold my hand with his ice cold left hand while he was driving and he yawned. my heart was tighten, he has eventually became my everything, part of me. his emotion actually affect me. i cant imagine how would my life be without him.
i looked out the window to allow my tears to roll down without him noticing. how on earth will i deserve such a good guy like him? was it a wrong pair? if karma does exist, i have must done a lots of good things in my previous life.
"No.." i answered softly and trying hard to avoid my tears tumbling down.
"If there is anything, you better have tell it now, i am buggered." He said "I am tired of going home answering your text messages."
I am a bad talker. i found it very difficult to voice things out, i rather write it out. that's our problem. he always prefer i voice it out and he can answer me with our mother tongue, but he never know everytime when i start voicing it out, he will misunderstood me.
I was silent and all i wanted is to get home as soon as possible but the traffic was terrible.
____________________________________
it was a saddening morning. my room was cold and dark, as if i was inside a huge chiller. i opened up my eyes and i started to cry with or without a reason.
i was under depression, my family was giving me pressure and my father nearly had an affair with someone he shouldnt even thought of. the image of a role model has changed. i feel uneasy, disgusted everytime i look at him. my mother was facing a serious financial problem that i cant even help.
after a little moment of crying, i got my self back together. i grab my cellphone that was right beside me and i saw a text message from him. it was just a very normal text message telling me good morning, that he is leaving to some other state for his job and will be back by night. we exchanged text msg and made cried even more. i eventually fall asleep till late noon after half an hour of crying.
i finally woke up and started to express my feeling to my best friend and i noticed how nice to pour everything out at once. getting console from her is one of the best damn thing, she just know what to do to makes me feel better.
i told her i decided to set him free from me, i am not the happy girl he met at first and i might not able to be as happy again. besides i am leaving my home country for my education. long distance relationship hardly success, although i have really great examples of LDR around me but i know it might not work on me, a relationship that was still so young and immature. we have been together for not even 6 months, and i have lost counts on our arguments, what will happen when LDR occurs? i cant imagine.
i told myself, i will talk to him when the next time i meet him.
i turned on my messenger and he send me a message. i simply replied him just to keep him entertained. unfortunately he noticed it. i got a lame reason lying to him that i was on the phone. and i told him what happened hours ago, that i cant get to the travel agent that sell me the air tickets. he told me he felt that i having problems and im not willing to share, i wasnt happy as before. he told me he is afraid that im going to leave him. i felt very bad, he shouldnt be trapped with someone like me. im under depression but why must he suffers like me? this has made me feel like letting him go is totally the right thing to do. i cant be so selfish keeping him with me, an unhappy girl.
he called me, i used a tiny pillow besides me to cover my phone, i didnt want to answer. i acted like nth happened, i send him a msg thur msn asking him is he thr, why aint he answering my msgs. after awhile he get bk to me told me he went for a smoke and tried to call me. again i lied i told him
"my phone was charging in my room"
"Is ok." he answered
"Are you having over time tonight?"
"Yes."
i turn off my laptop and went to my room. i counldnt cry anymore, perhaps my tears have all dried up. i fall asleep again.
_______________________________
i woke up by a text message he sent me thur my phone asking me for a movie tonight. i thought it might be a chance and i really dying to watch the movie too. i accepted the invitation.
i delayed a little as usual even knowing that he was waiting outside of my house. i was asking my sister about direction of getting to the new shopping mall that we will b going later without noticing that he havent had his dinner yet and it's already 9pm.
i showed the wrong direction, i wanted to call my sister but he told me is not a need, we can go somewhr else. i put my cell back into my handbag. i feel how useless am i, i cant even act well in the last date i wanted to cry again but i didnt. and i told myself, is ok, this is the last time of being useless.
i dont know how we ended up in the place we wanna go. he told me we should try our luck see if we could get any tickets. i told better if we go dinner. i was full but i know he was starving and empty. he told me is ok, he can always grab in some cinema's food like hotdogs and etc. when we reached thr, i offered to get the tickets so he got 10 minutes to get his food. i got my tickets and i him with his bloody heavy laptop on his back lining up in subway.
i asked myself, what else should i ask more from him? he was trying his very best to satisfied me. why cant i just be satisfied? he woke up at 7am for work travel from states to states, and had over time in his office yet he still travel all the way to my places from his office just to make me happy. there is a 30 minutes distance from his office to my place. and we went to the wrong road but he didnt not complain at all. i used to think he doesnt even love me, if he does he is just using the wrong way and it's not my way. how could i say something as selfish as this? i didnt satisfied on anything, i was always selfish. all i know was to complain. telling myself how unkind was god to do something like that to me. i shouldnt have told him i like him first now he is not appreciating me because im so easy. but i was wrong. i took everything for granted because he spoilt me and i was used to it by being the youngest in the family so i thought nothing was wrong.
on the way home we were silent. i didnt want to talk, im afraid that i will asked the wrong question again, i afraid i will give him the wrong reaction again. he asked me why am i so sad but he didnt know i was warmed by him just i was really afraid of making mistake and upset him again. he hold my hand with his ice cold left hand while he was driving and he yawned. my heart was tighten, he has eventually became my everything, part of me. his emotion actually affect me. i cant imagine how would my life be without him.
i looked out the window to allow my tears to roll down without him noticing. how on earth will i deserve such a good guy like him? was it a wrong pair? if karma does exist, i have must done a lots of good things in my previous life.
L
p/s : i shall just stop all of my stupid thoughts and love him. i promise myself to be happy everyday just for him. =)
